They're Among Us

[DeeDee]

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEAR CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many dears are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....
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Delete it…..
or
Send it along to put a smile on someone's face today!.
HAHAHAHAHAHA

[Lola]

Some of those were pretttttttty funny!  Thanks for the laughs.

[Middle Child]

  I love these kinds of things. I know there are lots more.....

Like that insurance one.  I'd love to read that one again, let me see if I can find it.

[Middle Child]

A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him because he gored my car.

A lamp-post bumped into my car, damaging it in two places.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

After the accident a working gentleman offered to be a witness in my favour.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.

Car had to turn sharper than was necessary owing to an invisible lorry.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I haven’t got.

Cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.

First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.

Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.

I am responsible for the accident as I was miles away at the time.

I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

I blew my horn but it would not work as it was stolen.

I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings.

I bumped into a shop window and sustained injuries to my wife.

I can’t give details of the accident as I was somewhat concussed at the time.

I collided with a stationary tramcar coming the other way.

I collided with a stationary tree.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way

I consider that neither vehicle was to blame but if either were to blame it was the other one.

I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight.

I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind.

I heard a horn blow and was struck violently in the back. Evidently a lady was trying to pass me.

I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.

I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault as he had been run over before.

I left for work this morning at 7am as usual when I collided straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.

I left my Austin Seven outside and when I came out later to my amazement there was an Austin Twelve.

[Middle Child]

I left my car unattended for a minute, and whether by accident or design it ran away.

I misjudged a lady crossing the street.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog & smothered it with a blanket.

I remember nothing after missing the Crown Hotel until I came to and saw PC Brown

I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.

I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.

I thought the side window was down but it was up, as I found when I put my head through it.

I told the other idiot what he was and went on.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found I had a fractured skull.

I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian and the old gentleman was taken to hospital, much regretting the circumstances.

I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road, causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof.

I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.

I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

I was scraping my nearside on the bank when the accident happened.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left for a vacation with injuries.
(Full was: I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.)

Ice on the road applied brakes causing skid.

[Middle Child]

If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened.

In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

My car was stolen and I set up a human cry, but it has not been recovered.

No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.

No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.

On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.

On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn’t give way.

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

She suddenly saw me, lost her head and we met.

The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind.

The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.

The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.


The bloke was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again

The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him. (She pushed him through the intersection)

The car in front stopped suddenly and I crashed gently into his luggage grid.

The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

The other man altered his mind so I had to run into him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.

The telephone pole was approaching and I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end of my car.

The water in my radiator accidentally froze at 12 midnight.

There was no damage done to the car, as the gate post will testify.

There were plenty of lookers-on but no witnesses.

Three women were talking to each other and when two stepped back and one stepped forward I had to have an accident.

To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies’ loo.

When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

Windshield broke. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn.
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

I had been out shopping for the garden all morning. I was driving home and as I approached the junction a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision so I could not see the other vehicle.

I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.

I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

I was driving along the motorway when the police pulled me over onto the hard shoulder. Unfortunately I was in the middle lane and there was another car in the way.

I was proceeding along the road at moderate speed when another car rushed out of a side turning and turned upside down in a ditch. It was his fault as he said.

I was taking a friend home and keeping two yards from each lamp-post which were in a straight line. Unfortunately, there was a bend in the road bringing the right-hand lamp-post in line with the other and of course I landed in a ditch.

One wheel went into a ditch. My foot jumped from brake to accelerator pedal, leapt across the road to the other side and jumped into the trunk of a tree.

[DeeDee]

LMAO. Gotta love those insurance claims!